How to Do It is Slate’s sex advice column. Have a question? Send it to Stoya and Rich here. It’s anonymous!
Dear How to Do It,
I am curious to go somewhere to anonymously watch other people have sex. Like, to be in an audience, or sit at a table with a drink like you would at a strip club. I don’t want to meet people or hook up. I don’t want to arrange a personal show in real life with a particular couple I find online. I just want to drive to a venue or club, go inside, drink a beer and watch live sex. How do I find opportunities like that that are legal where I live, and which will admit a single male unaccompanied by a partner?
—Just Want to Watch
Dear Just Want to Watch,
This is so retro it’s almost quaint—what you’re looking for evokes the glory days of Times Square in the ‘70s and ‘80s, when you were just as likely to get robbed as you were to get off when visiting the area. Live sex shows ain’t what they used to be—presumably, home-accessible porn has aided their obsolesce. Outside of cities with known red-light districts like Amsterdam and Bangkok, you may have a tough time finding one to attend. If you have a nearby red-light district, or at least an area particularly saturated in adult-video stores, you can check to see if they have any offerings, though this kind of sexual performance may violate local laws and thus not be advertised so blatantly. In other words, this kind of show might not be something you can drive to.
You’re probably better off looking into a local sex club, where you can theoretically attend to watch. You’re right that it may be tough to get in as a single, unaccompanied male, but different clubs have different standards. Not everyone is going to be interested in performing for your gawking eyes, but voyeurism does come with the territory, so it seems like you might have some success there, it just might not look exactly like your beer-and-peep scenario. Can’t get everything you want!
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Dear How to Do It,
I am a 27-year-old transgender woman. I’m also bisexual (I know, I’m basically the whole alphabet), which is important to my issue. I spent much of my youth repressing both my sexuality and gender identity, especially the latter. Due to my bisexuality and internalized issues, it was possible for me to ignore my queerness and just date women, who make up my entire dating history before I transitioned (aside from a few one-night stands in college). After coming out and accepting myself, I briefly enjoyed a few month-long flings with a man, and while it was not terribly emotionally involved, it opened my eyes to the fact that I’d very much like to find a boyfriend and make up for the lost time I spent repressing who I was. I was very excited to explore the exciting new options in my life.
My problem, as funny as it sounds, is that I met an amazing woman who compliments me perfectly, who I love deeply, and who I’ve been dating for 3 years. While I’d like for it to be happily ever after, I feel troubled by the fact that my great journey of self-discovery was cut short as soon as it began. I find myself feeling like as I get older, the space to date, try new things and new people, and find out who I want to spend the rest of my life with is closing. I can’t seem to find many serious flaws with my girlfriend, other than that I struggle with pretty intense FOMO about not being able to explore my sexuality, something I never felt to this extent in prior relationships. It definitely doesn’t help that my sex with that male fling was far and above the best I’ve ever had. I don’t know whether to appreciate what I have in my current relationship or end things in order to experience something I may find isn’t even what I hoped it could be. Thanks for taking the time!
—Bi for Now
Dear Bi for Now,
Baby, you’re acting like 27 is the time to start visiting pastures so that you can find the perfect one to be put out to. Yes, I called you baby because you are a baby. Relatively speaking, that is. You have time, and so much living to do. My advice is to keep the good thing you have. Perhaps there’s a happy medium that will allow you to retain the relationship while playing on the side—do you have any sense if the woman you’re dating might be amenable to opening things up? Have you told her what you told us? Starting there—literally reading to her what you sent in to this column—may engender a frank and rewarding discussion. Let her know that you want to stay with her while also exploring (if, in fact, you want an open relationship). She might be down for group sex or for letting you play solo. If you have no sense of how to go about navigating an open relationship, there are tons of resources at your disposal—Tristan Taormino’s Opening Up and Jessica Fern’s Polysecure are two good places to start.
For some perspective, I want to leave you with a quote from Lorrie Moore’s newish novel, I Am Homeless If This Is Not My Home, which I thought was a wise and beautiful book:
What one leaves is always a more powerful thing than what one heads toward, which is vague, indistinct. What one leaves is clear and known and solid…What one heads toward is a sliver, a vibration, a glimpse propelled by a question. The destination disintegrates.
My advice is to hold onto the powerful thing that you have, and see if you can augment it ethically.
Dear How to Do It,
I’m a 50-year-old cis male, recently divorced from a pretty sexless 20-year marriage, who just recently discovered that I have a very wide penis. That might sound strange given that I dated quite a bit in my 20s, but while my girlfriends at the time sometimes said I have a “nice” penis no one was like “Wow, you’re really big.” I also watch a lot of porn, so my penis always seemed, at best, maybe extra-medium. (A good friend came up with this analogy: If I only played pick-up basketball with NBA players I would always lose, but that doesn’t necessarily mean I’m a bad basketball player.)
My girlfriend (25, bi-female) is the one who clued me in. She measured me at 6.5 inches in length and 6.5 inches in circumference, the latter being what apparently puts me in the XXL category. I’m enjoying my newfound BDE, but it’s also raising some issues. It explains why condoms never fit and why I’ve always had to use lube for penetration (people have sex without lube? for real?), and also why my few efforts at anal sex were total failures. My girlfriend was determined to pop my anal cherry, so she spent weeks with butt plugs and anal extenders and….success! But she also said probably never again since she is worried about internal damage. (To literally drive the point home she made a Clone-a-Willy of my dick and pegged me with it—I mean, it’s a lot.) My girlfriend also loves sucking dick and I love blowjobs, so it should be perfect, right? Except after about 10 minutes her jaw starts to really hurt and she often has to stop. So my question is whether my girth has to necessarily limit our options. Our sex life is great and I’m not obsessed with anal, but once or twice a year would be fun. And while she’s a trooper with oral I can tell it gets uncomfortable quickly, which makes it difficult for me to really relax and enjoy. Suggestions?
—Wide Load
Dear Wide Load,
Your girth doesn’t have to limit your options, but your girth plus her capacity to receive it does. She has told you loud and clear what she can handle. You should listen. She’s done quite a bit of work to take your wide dick in her butt, and you know what? It’s probably not for her. Oh well, at least you have a great sex life to fall back on! You should let her make the call if and when you ever have anal again. Same thing with blowjobs—be happy that she’s giving them to you at all given her jaw’s constraints. If she were writing in for more tips after trying everything, I might actually offer some, but she’s done enough and you’re the one who’s asking. Be thankful for what you have. You can’t have everything, but you do have a “great sex life” which is more than most people who write in to this column can claim.
More Advice From Slate
My husband “Matt” and I have been married for just more than eight months. We recently took a weekend trip with a group of college friends for another wedding. After one too many drinks, a friend began to reminisce about how Matt and his best friend “Will” (who is gay) would get drunk and have regular sexual encounters—both during and for years after college. Up until this point, I had absolutely no idea about this; everyone else in the group seemed to know except for me. In fact, another friend asked, “How did you not know?”
